Walking around in too many shoes

Sometimes trying to be in this place is too confusing. Confusing isn't quite the word that describes feeling overwhelmed, disgusted, disappointed, proud, excited, bewildered, awe-inspired, depressed and also humbled. I feel in almost every moment each of my identities clashing with one another. I think to myself, I'm a Jew, a woman, an American, a peace activist, and apparently some would label me a Zionist because I do believe in the necessity and success of a Jewish State. It's too difficult to reconcile these different points of view when, in order to not take any one side, I have to constantly pay attention to these conflicts within me.

I spend the weekdays in East Jerusalem with my Palestinian colleagues at the Palestine Israel Journal. There, I am constantly faced with the racist, occupation politics that Israel executes. I start to feel ashamed and so sorry for the continued suffering of a people who, as of right now almost at are civil war. I see how different they are from Israelis, from Jews-- differences that are beautiful: cultural, social, political and historical. And with all of my heart and soul I want for them to be a people with a country in which they can thrive. In those moments I quiet the voice that is suspicious of their ability to accomplish such a task, looking at the chaos of the Gaza Strip and the violence's gradual infiltration into the West Bank. I see a very divided people, the Palestinians: of Gaza, of the West Bank, of East Jerusalem.

In many ways these three sectors of the same people are living very different lives, very different experiences of Israel and so the urgency and method of fighting the Palestinian national struggle differs from place to place. In Gaza it appears that the accepted method of change is violent struggle. In the West Bank political, democratic process is being explored with pockets of "terrorist cells" in Nablus and Jenin, which the I.D.F. constantly works to root out through raids, middle of the night arrests, and barricaded neighborhoods, curfews and lockdowns. In East Jerusalem, Palestinian business owners, NGO workers and such are ekking out a living as best they can with limited access to customers because of the difficulties getting back and forth from the West Bank, the permit controls and the checkpoints. Israelis for the most part do not give them business because the fact is most Israelis fear their life is at stake if they walk through the Muslim Quarter of the Old City or venture into downtown East Jerusalem.

At this point I wonder if Palestinians who are relatively comfortable and secure wouldn't rather just stay that way instead of being involved in a collapsing unity government and aggression that is indiscriminate against their own people? I feel deeply saddened that their nationalistic process is at such a standstill because of internal and external obstacles.

Hamas is taking over Gaza as I write this entry and I wonder how long it will be before they defeat Fatah-- whatever that means, and then turn their guns, anger, frustration and efforts to Israel. And if that happens then what? What happens to my identity as a peace activist? Because if the I.D.F. has to fight Hamas to protect Israel, I will support that decision. I will consider collateral damage to people and property as part of war-- for the sake of preseving the Jewish State, the means justifies the end, that being the security of my people. In writing that I feel somewhat ashamed and exposed for not being the humanist I wish I could be. I wish for peace for all people but if it's a blind, naive peace that eventually compromises the safety and livelihood of my people, then only too quickly am I prepared to take a side.

How can I sincerely hope for the future of the Palestinians when the prominent leaders of their struggle always uses Israel as its raison d'etre, its invaluability to the Palestinian people against the evil occupational force-- Israel, backed by the U.S., the pillar of Western society and its inherent corruption. So, my mind does this thing where I can't quite get around how it is that I want to work with a people who have a political party that would perhaps harm me for being a Jew and an American if I were at the wrong place at the wrong time. That I could represent so much of what is considered the reason for their difficulties is frightening. Then I remind myself, because I have to after reading news and listening to radio, that there are individuals involved in this conflict that are not to be clumped with Hamas or any other hostile party.

Then, there's this crazy feeling inside of me that swells from the inside-out when, for example, I was sitting at a bar in Tel Aviv with Eitan the other night, watching an Israeli woman in her early 20s singing with her guitar, an unbelievable and soulful voice, her own songs, performed at a hip cafe on the happening Allenby Street. I get to thinking: oh my God, here I am in Israel, amongst Jews, this performer at some point mentions, "Baruch HaShem" -- Bless God-- because she' thankful for something (haven't quite gotten the language down, yet) a Jewish phrase of thanks and it is assumed we understand because we are all Jews.

I start thinking about the Jewish people, 60 years ago. Sixty, forty, twenty years ago, the parents and grandparents of the youngsters in this cafe may have been fleeing Nazi persecution, or escaping famine in Ethiopia, or leaving Morocco because living in a society that kept them segregated from the rest was simply unacceptable when not a few hours away by plane, a country had been established that would treat them, the Jews, as whole citizens.

There's an Arab-Israeli movement in Israel that calls for a one-state solution in which all of Israel's citizens are treated as equal under the law. That the Jewish characteristic of the state is hypocritical-- Israel can't be Jewish and a democracy, and that this contradiction must come to an end.

I don't know what to do with this. I understand that Israel cannot be, and is not fully democratic while being the Jewish State. It's true that in this country depending on your religion you are treated differently under the law. I know this is unacceptable in the name of democracy but it is unacceptable to me that there not be a Jewish State. A peace activist, a Jew-- I choose the Jewish State and take a side against equality of human rights-- that's difficult to swallow for me. But I don't have faith that a secular State of Israel would be healthy for the Jewish people. We are a people with a right to a State, a right to a religion, which is problematic in the face of democracy because it's more than just religion, it's culture, ethnicity. Furthermore, aside from the Jewish identity, there is a national identity that is not Palestinian, is not Arab, is not American, it is Israeli.

I find myself having thoughts such as: but there is no true democracy anyway. It is merely a fiction that strives to become a reality. No nation-state is innocent of some form of discrimination against sectors of its citizens based on color, class, religion or historical claims. I find myself saying, why must the Jewish State be perfect and rise above what all other countries are doing anyway? For me, this is a justification for policies that I'm not comfortable with in Israel. I delve into the complexities and find that I cannot determine right or wrong without specific context and the bigger the picture gets for consideration, the more difficult it becomes to decide on any concrete conclusions or sentiments.

Then I also get incensed by those in this country who are interested in simply being Jewish, or religious/observant in Israel. They close their hearts to the suffering of the Palestinians, they shut their eyes and ears to the inequalities amongst Jews in this State. They assume that God provides and to study Torah is most of what is needed. They do not face the reality of the Israeli, surrounded by several hostile countries. Twenty-two Arab countries constantly in identity crisis, beteween nationalistic leanings and Arab unity. And now there is the influence of Iran, a nation of people who do not identify with Arabs, but who now have a leader that will use the plight of the Palestinians, for example, to push his own agenda for regional dominance.

So where do I stand in all of this? I'm not entirely sure. The multiplicity of my feelings are unnerving. When I seek out Israelis or Palestinians to discuss some of these issues I find myself needing to speak gingerly, choosing my words carefully and wisely so as not to deny anyone's right to exist, or to be categorized as another, either: far left, anti-Israel lunatic, or a right-wing Zionist with imperialistic tendencies.

I am an American too, and I have this sense of justice and liberty for all even though in my own country I know these idealistic concepts are still dreams that have never fully been realized. But, I still believe in fighting for this.

There are moments when I'm disappointed in Israelis for not caring enough about what's going on in not too distant neighborhoods. But I also understand their apathy and helplessness in the face of a conflict that has so many sides to it.

I understand the hesitancy to jeopardize stability if your family enjoys it. Why would you do that if that's the only control you can exert in a region of chaos? Care for your family, enjoy the distractions of fashion, good food, exercise, steady work, music, is that such a terrible thing to want and maintain? These are commonplace, granted aspects of lifestyle for us, but luxury to those of whom we sit in judgment.

I think in Harper Lee's, To Kill A Mockingbird, Atticus Finch tells his daughter Scout that you don't really know a person until you've walked around in his shoes. There are so many shoes to walk around in here, none of which are comfortable. For me so far, there isn't one pair of shoes that necessarily fits.

Commemoration-Celebration

Riding the bus from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, shallow breathing and determined nail-biting, I found myself in a bit of a panic. I wasn't feeling quite ready to internalize the world in which I was going to once again immerse myself. A world in which the integrity of my identity as a Jew, a woman and an American are called into question based on whether or not I can speak or work out against the occupation of a suffering people.

I started to think about the newspaper headlines in the past few weeks: Hamas rockets barraging Sderot, Fatah and Hamas rendering Gaza a virtual war zone, x number of Palestinians murdered in an I.D.F. raid-- Jericho, Ramallah, Hebron...

Unfortunately since my last stay here I have become at best skeptical and at worst cynical that any real shift toward peace will occur in the conflict between Israelis and Palestinians. Reading the newspapers the same names come up again and again-- Haniyeh, Abbas, Erakat, Olmert, Livni...I see them doing the same dance to nearly the same tune over and over. Either side using any signs of escalation as a rallying cry against an eternal enemy. If one is not fighting the occupation, then one is accepting the occupation. Both Israelis and Palestininans in that camp are trying as best as they can to live their lives around the elephant in the living room.

Which got me thinking...

I'm not comfortable being here and ignoring the fact that there are a few million people whose lives are classified as occupied, by the international community. Neither am I comfortable in a crowd in which each Israeli is demonized and assumed guilty of crimes against humanity simply for being Israeli. Basically I'm just not comfortable with the argument being either black or white.

What I understand at this point is that the public discourse on the Israel/Palestine conflict is primarily black and white in its coverage in the media. Instead of informing the public it polarizes the public and it alienates the public-- depending on which public it portrays as villainous or heroic. In my mind, this is problematic and moreover completely useless to the peace movement that believe it or not, DOES exist.

This is not an original thought or revelation but the fact of the matter is the media plays such a huge role in manipulating public opinion. The media in many ways chooses the reality in which we live.

This led me to another thought.

With respect to this blog and whatever perceptions or opinions are formed as a result of reading this stuff, as long as I seek out individuals who recount the stories of hate and separation, inequality and vengeful justice, I am not contributing anything different to that which is written on the conflict in the Middle East. However, if I seek out and write about those whose vision for peace is as strong and persistent as those who enjoy carrying out the endless violence, then I ask the readers to learn and share about the complexities of peace making and not the domino effect of violence making, which we all know so well. Would reading about peacemaking be more gentle on the eyes? Would it encourage more to read about the events here if suddenly the coverage was no longer predictable?

Would the rockets be as effective if they weren't on the front page of the newspapers of the world? What if instead, coverage of reconciliation circles between former Israeli I.D.F. soldiers and former Palestinian militants held the page-turning column on the front page of the New York Times on Sunday morning? What if Arab and Israeli musical collaborations in clubs showed up in the international section instead of bombed out discos? Is it possible that the "bad guys", the terrorists--- would reconsider their modus operandi? If they stopped getting so much attention for their bad behavior, would that behavior change for the better?

How many people here are working to create a reality of peaceful coexistence? Many. How many people are working to perpetuate a reality of violence and revenge? Also, many. But who gets the spotlight? Who decides?

We have the power to create our own reality.

It becomes a battle of truths. That the conflict will never end, that these people are incapable of living amongst one another. That is so, and that is not so. Why is one point of view more prevalent than the other? It is because of what we choose to read and then choose to believe and then choose to focus upon. As the center of our own universe, we design our universe on a day-to-day basis. We create the stories to our liking, to our moods, to our purpose. What would it take to try on a different reality?

Racism, classism, bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-Islam. These are very real epidemics in these dueling societies. These human imperfections I identify as challenges to those who work to create a reality in which peace is possible. But these issues rest on one face of the peace and conflict coin. On the other side is tolerance, acceptance, reconciliation, healing, diversity, multiculturalism.

Last night I walked from the hotel in East Jerusalem to West Jerusalem. Leaving the hotel I spoke with my friends here, the family members who run and own the place: Jacob, Ro’ina and James were so happy to have me back. Jacob asked how I have been. James told me, “you look good.” Ro’ina said, “Habibti! Welcome back.” I adore these people, I felt home, as though I’d never left. I felt awful inside for the time I’ve spent away from here able to put these every day people, just like me-- an every day person, out of my heart, because of what I’ve been reading in the newspapers these past two months instead of living myself.

East Jerusalem in the summer time stays awake longer than in the winter, following the lead of the sun. Men and women are out and about. Little boys and girls run around in adorable outfits and sandals. Little girls' hair festooned with barrettes wearing big smiles. Little boys kicking soccer balls around, dripping popsicles down their shirts, artificial pinks and reds staining the perimeter of their mouths. In that moment life is beautiful for them. These little children aren't aware yet that today, June 5, is the anniversary of catastrophe in their people's history. The bitter has not yet found its way into their sweet, young lives. And I think, how can I help to prolong those moments for these precious babies? How can I keep the tanks and guns away from their eyes? How can I help to make those tanks and guns unnecessary?

In West Jerusalem the streets are decorated with hanging blue and white lights across the streets held up by buildings on either side. The city is celebrating the 40th anniversary of its unification. There are concerts, lively music followed by enthusiastic applause spills out from venues onto Jaffa Street. And I think, what will it take for the men, women and children on this side of the highway to feel safe enough to have a little more compassion for their counterparts on the other side? How can I inspire the Israelis and Jews to make some room in their hearts for all of those Palestinians who also want to sing and dance in celebration of their identity as well?

Can a reality be created in which both sides see that the other side wants to heal -- to no longer hurt, and is willing to work to make it happen?