Walking around in too many shoes

Sometimes trying to be in this place is too confusing. Confusing isn't quite the word that describes feeling overwhelmed, disgusted, disappointed, proud, excited, bewildered, awe-inspired, depressed and also humbled. I feel in almost every moment each of my identities clashing with one another. I think to myself, I'm a Jew, a woman, an American, a peace activist, and apparently some would label me a Zionist because I do believe in the necessity and success of a Jewish State. It's too difficult to reconcile these different points of view when, in order to not take any one side, I have to constantly pay attention to these conflicts within me.

I spend the weekdays in East Jerusalem with my Palestinian colleagues at the Palestine Israel Journal. There, I am constantly faced with the racist, occupation politics that Israel executes. I start to feel ashamed and so sorry for the continued suffering of a people who, as of right now almost at are civil war. I see how different they are from Israelis, from Jews-- differences that are beautiful: cultural, social, political and historical. And with all of my heart and soul I want for them to be a people with a country in which they can thrive. In those moments I quiet the voice that is suspicious of their ability to accomplish such a task, looking at the chaos of the Gaza Strip and the violence's gradual infiltration into the West Bank. I see a very divided people, the Palestinians: of Gaza, of the West Bank, of East Jerusalem.

In many ways these three sectors of the same people are living very different lives, very different experiences of Israel and so the urgency and method of fighting the Palestinian national struggle differs from place to place. In Gaza it appears that the accepted method of change is violent struggle. In the West Bank political, democratic process is being explored with pockets of "terrorist cells" in Nablus and Jenin, which the I.D.F. constantly works to root out through raids, middle of the night arrests, and barricaded neighborhoods, curfews and lockdowns. In East Jerusalem, Palestinian business owners, NGO workers and such are ekking out a living as best they can with limited access to customers because of the difficulties getting back and forth from the West Bank, the permit controls and the checkpoints. Israelis for the most part do not give them business because the fact is most Israelis fear their life is at stake if they walk through the Muslim Quarter of the Old City or venture into downtown East Jerusalem.

At this point I wonder if Palestinians who are relatively comfortable and secure wouldn't rather just stay that way instead of being involved in a collapsing unity government and aggression that is indiscriminate against their own people? I feel deeply saddened that their nationalistic process is at such a standstill because of internal and external obstacles.

Hamas is taking over Gaza as I write this entry and I wonder how long it will be before they defeat Fatah-- whatever that means, and then turn their guns, anger, frustration and efforts to Israel. And if that happens then what? What happens to my identity as a peace activist? Because if the I.D.F. has to fight Hamas to protect Israel, I will support that decision. I will consider collateral damage to people and property as part of war-- for the sake of preseving the Jewish State, the means justifies the end, that being the security of my people. In writing that I feel somewhat ashamed and exposed for not being the humanist I wish I could be. I wish for peace for all people but if it's a blind, naive peace that eventually compromises the safety and livelihood of my people, then only too quickly am I prepared to take a side.

How can I sincerely hope for the future of the Palestinians when the prominent leaders of their struggle always uses Israel as its raison d'etre, its invaluability to the Palestinian people against the evil occupational force-- Israel, backed by the U.S., the pillar of Western society and its inherent corruption. So, my mind does this thing where I can't quite get around how it is that I want to work with a people who have a political party that would perhaps harm me for being a Jew and an American if I were at the wrong place at the wrong time. That I could represent so much of what is considered the reason for their difficulties is frightening. Then I remind myself, because I have to after reading news and listening to radio, that there are individuals involved in this conflict that are not to be clumped with Hamas or any other hostile party.

Then, there's this crazy feeling inside of me that swells from the inside-out when, for example, I was sitting at a bar in Tel Aviv with Eitan the other night, watching an Israeli woman in her early 20s singing with her guitar, an unbelievable and soulful voice, her own songs, performed at a hip cafe on the happening Allenby Street. I get to thinking: oh my God, here I am in Israel, amongst Jews, this performer at some point mentions, "Baruch HaShem" -- Bless God-- because she' thankful for something (haven't quite gotten the language down, yet) a Jewish phrase of thanks and it is assumed we understand because we are all Jews.

I start thinking about the Jewish people, 60 years ago. Sixty, forty, twenty years ago, the parents and grandparents of the youngsters in this cafe may have been fleeing Nazi persecution, or escaping famine in Ethiopia, or leaving Morocco because living in a society that kept them segregated from the rest was simply unacceptable when not a few hours away by plane, a country had been established that would treat them, the Jews, as whole citizens.

There's an Arab-Israeli movement in Israel that calls for a one-state solution in which all of Israel's citizens are treated as equal under the law. That the Jewish characteristic of the state is hypocritical-- Israel can't be Jewish and a democracy, and that this contradiction must come to an end.

I don't know what to do with this. I understand that Israel cannot be, and is not fully democratic while being the Jewish State. It's true that in this country depending on your religion you are treated differently under the law. I know this is unacceptable in the name of democracy but it is unacceptable to me that there not be a Jewish State. A peace activist, a Jew-- I choose the Jewish State and take a side against equality of human rights-- that's difficult to swallow for me. But I don't have faith that a secular State of Israel would be healthy for the Jewish people. We are a people with a right to a State, a right to a religion, which is problematic in the face of democracy because it's more than just religion, it's culture, ethnicity. Furthermore, aside from the Jewish identity, there is a national identity that is not Palestinian, is not Arab, is not American, it is Israeli.

I find myself having thoughts such as: but there is no true democracy anyway. It is merely a fiction that strives to become a reality. No nation-state is innocent of some form of discrimination against sectors of its citizens based on color, class, religion or historical claims. I find myself saying, why must the Jewish State be perfect and rise above what all other countries are doing anyway? For me, this is a justification for policies that I'm not comfortable with in Israel. I delve into the complexities and find that I cannot determine right or wrong without specific context and the bigger the picture gets for consideration, the more difficult it becomes to decide on any concrete conclusions or sentiments.

Then I also get incensed by those in this country who are interested in simply being Jewish, or religious/observant in Israel. They close their hearts to the suffering of the Palestinians, they shut their eyes and ears to the inequalities amongst Jews in this State. They assume that God provides and to study Torah is most of what is needed. They do not face the reality of the Israeli, surrounded by several hostile countries. Twenty-two Arab countries constantly in identity crisis, beteween nationalistic leanings and Arab unity. And now there is the influence of Iran, a nation of people who do not identify with Arabs, but who now have a leader that will use the plight of the Palestinians, for example, to push his own agenda for regional dominance.

So where do I stand in all of this? I'm not entirely sure. The multiplicity of my feelings are unnerving. When I seek out Israelis or Palestinians to discuss some of these issues I find myself needing to speak gingerly, choosing my words carefully and wisely so as not to deny anyone's right to exist, or to be categorized as another, either: far left, anti-Israel lunatic, or a right-wing Zionist with imperialistic tendencies.

I am an American too, and I have this sense of justice and liberty for all even though in my own country I know these idealistic concepts are still dreams that have never fully been realized. But, I still believe in fighting for this.

There are moments when I'm disappointed in Israelis for not caring enough about what's going on in not too distant neighborhoods. But I also understand their apathy and helplessness in the face of a conflict that has so many sides to it.

I understand the hesitancy to jeopardize stability if your family enjoys it. Why would you do that if that's the only control you can exert in a region of chaos? Care for your family, enjoy the distractions of fashion, good food, exercise, steady work, music, is that such a terrible thing to want and maintain? These are commonplace, granted aspects of lifestyle for us, but luxury to those of whom we sit in judgment.

I think in Harper Lee's, To Kill A Mockingbird, Atticus Finch tells his daughter Scout that you don't really know a person until you've walked around in his shoes. There are so many shoes to walk around in here, none of which are comfortable. For me so far, there isn't one pair of shoes that necessarily fits.